He Rapéd Me & Now He's My Boyfriend

I am a young girl of 20, and a 300-Level student. In Nov 2011, things fell apart between my boyfriend and I. I was madly in love with him at the time and he had denied me in presence of my friends.
I was finding it very hard to move on; I started drinking heavily, I made friends with a neighbor of mine whom we both stayed in the same hostel off campus. I started sharing my problems with him and we soon became really close.
One day, one of my friends who came to spend some time with me invited her boyfriend over so I decided to give them little space so I left to my neighbour’s room, after spending some time on returning to my room I realized my friend’s boyfriend had slept off, it was about past 11 pm and a face-off was going on between two rival cults in school making it very risky to move at night.
My friend pleaded with me to pass the night at my neighbour’s room because it was early in the semester and other students were not yet in school. So I went back to his room and asked if I could spend the night and he said yes.
Later on that night he started acting up trying 2 touch me, I pleaded and begged him that I could not do it and was still a virgin, but he didn’t listen. I had little or no strength that night because I was drunk as usual, then he forced himself on me.
After the incident he begged me that he was sorry and he never believed that I was saying the truth when I told him I was a virgin, then he started asking me out. I was reluctant at first but I couldn’t speak out, I couldn’t stand how my parents would treat me when they realised I had lost my virginity, especially to rapé. I was going to be considered as damaged goods, so I kept it all to myself and concluded that I had nothing else to lose if I dated him, so I did.
In the beginning of the relationship he treated me badly, forcing himself on me whenever he was in the mood; whether I wanted it or not when he had to get down, he had to get down.
This continued for some months till he forced himself again on me one afternoon when I was ill, the pain was too much for me that in the struggle I tore his clothes and injured his hands. After he had finished, he changed his clothes and travelled leaving me crying on the balcony, he didn’t call for months.
I heard so many stories from his room mate telling my friends that he had a girlfriend and I was just a side chick and in fact that I was the one who was throwing advances to him and I willingly agreed to be his bedmate.
I was shattered and I tried pulling myself back together only for him to return 3 months later calling and telling me he was sorry and he wanted to be serious with me this time and he was for real.
After so many condemnations from my friends, I returned to him. Since then he has been caring at least so I thought but one thing still continued; the continuous séxual abuse. It didn’t matter if I was on my period, or I was sick, or even if I was in tears, he’d tie my hands and even use the pillow to cover my mouth to prevent people from hearing my voice.
After he’s done he becomes sane and he says he's sorry and expects everything to just be fine. Last month I discovered I was pregnant, my boyfriend took it like a joke, asking me to stop being dramatic that it’s a normal thing that girls do all the time.
Four days after the abortion even though I was still bleeding, he started demanding for séx, and when I refused he started ranting about how he does things for me and that he gains nothing from me in return and then he had his way as usual even after I had told him that it was advisable to desist from séx at this times because my womb was still open and fragile and it could lead to infection.
On Wednesday, he read a chat between I and a friend of mine whom I usually share my private issues with and he accosted me angrily, I tried explaining things to him but he hit me and my lips started bleeding.
He ripped off all my clothes, dragged me on the floor to his bathroom in tears,(although this was not the first time it would happen other times he’d threaten me with a knife, even though at the end of it all he always says he was joking and didn’t mean it).
He washed my body and had séx with me again.
After he was done he told me he didn’t see anything wrong in what he had done but that he was sorry though, he has being apologizing since then but at this point I really don’t know what to do. He didn’t even send me a val card, message or even a handkerchief, although he could really be caring at times.
I am quite attractive and I get offers from many other guys outside but I’m scared that they’ll turn out to be worse than he is and maybe they are also just hiding their true intentions.
He’s still apologizing and claiming he was under the influence of alcohol and he claims he loves me very much, but I must really say I do not know what to do.
Should I move on? Or should I stay and hope that he’ll change for real this time


Schooling and dating

As I sat there in English class, I stared at the girl next to me. She was my so called "best friend". I stared at her long, silky hair, and wished she was mine. But she didn't notice me like that, and I knew it. After class, she walked up to me and asked me for the notes she had missed the day before and handed them to her. She said "thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I wanted to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.


11th grade 
The phone rang. On the other end, it was her. She was in tears, mumbling on and on about how her love had broke her heart. She asked me to come over because she didn't want to be alone, so I did. As I sat next to her on the sofa, I stared at her soft eyes, wishing she was mine. After 2 hours, one Drew Barrymore movie, and three bags of chips, she decided to go to sleep. She looked at me, said "thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why. 

Senior year 
The day before prom she walked to my locker. My date is sick" she said; he's not going to go well, I didn't have a date, and in 7th grade, we made a promise that if neither of us had dates, we would go together just as "best friends". So we did. Prom night, after everything was over, I was standing at her front door step. I stared at her as she smiled at me and stared at me with her crystal eyes. I want her to be mine, but she isn't think of me like that, and I know it. Then she said "I had the best time, thanks!" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why. 

Graduation Day 
A day passed, then a week, then a month. Before I could blink, it was graduation day. I watched as her perfect body floated like an angel up on stage to get her diploma. I wanted her to be mine, but she didn't notice me like that, and I knew it. Before everyone went home, she came to me in her smock and hat, and cried as I hugged her. Then she lifted her head from my shoulder and said, "you're my best friend, thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

A Few Years Later 
Now I sit in the pews of the church. That girl is getting married now. I watched her say "I do" and drive off to her new life, married to another man. I wanted her to be mine, but she didn't see me like that, and I knew it. But before she drove away, she came to me and said "you came!". She said "thanks" and kissed me on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

Funeral
Years passed, I looked down at the coffin of a girl who used to be my "best friend". At the service, they read a diary entry she had wrote in her high school years. This is what it read: I stare at him wishing he was mine, but he doesn't notice me like that, and I know it. I want to tell him, I want him to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love him but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why. I wish he would tell me he loved me! `I wish I did too...` I thought to my self, and I cried.

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